hmm..
well today i found out my ranking for maths
i knew i was gonna do bad
i tried to keep my hopes down, coz i knew i would be really sad at the end if i dont
the rank was out of 2 top math classes only
out of approx 60
i came
18th.

I've always been in the top 5, now im in the teens, low teens.
I thought id be okay, but when the teacher told me..iono
i dont realise that i suddenly changed from nervous to someone who is ..dissapointed or something
coz right after my teacher told me my mark..he looked at me straight into my eyes and i looked back at him and he jst when thats alright.

I jst nodded.

I knew i was going to cry if i continued thinking bout it, so i tried to tell myself that i expected that so i shouldnt think about it. I jst hav to make sure i try better next semester, i dont care if i dont get to top 5 again, i jst have to improve from 18th. I need to.My eyes became a bit watery, but i managed to stop them before they were flooded.

After my friends came next to me to check if i was okay lol
i jst nodded and tried to say in the most carefree way i can " ahhh..i expected that anwyayz..i knew i did bad"
lol
But deep down i wasnt okay. I knew that. But i cnt cry at every exam i do bad all the time..*it will prolly be frequently*

I was happy tho, for a friend
she finally came 1st. All these years shes been saying to me and the other top maths girls that " I will beat u!!"
lol and she finally did. Sadly = = she only concentrates on maths, meaning she is at average for the others..i guess thats alright..kinda..but ye..

---------------------------------------------

im sorry i havent been blogging these days, ive been busy with multimedia work lol. Ive been working at every lunch and recess  for the whole week this week. I was stressing out, i had multi assignment to do and its due at the end of this term..which is in 1 week (and after this its holidays!- hope i dotn get assignment for holiz).  = = i finisheda part of it and gave it in, now i hav two montages to do.  = = BUT teacher said today...that...= =" its due first week back from holiz!! >.< Damit! T.T and i stressed out this much for no reason arggghh!
but i will try my best to fin them before holiz!:D so i can relaaaaax ^^

-----------------------------------------

School's been horrible. Im glad i still havent decide who is my best friend yet even tho i was on the edge.
Or maybe i am growing up..i dont know

IT began on Tuesday..at least i think so..
Allan (my closest friend) was away that to visit dentist. I saw our friend Anthony in maths class. So like usual id say "Hi anthony!"
= =
he didnt replied =[ i thought he was jst joking around like usual..coz him and allan always teases me, theyd ignore me sometimes as a joke for a few mins until i decide to ignore them, or play pranks on me >.<".

So i continued saying hi anthony
But he said something (but i was definately sure it wasnt "hi" i think it was something like "dont talk to me" but he always say that when they prank me= =) and i didnt hear and i went
huh? haaah? then hi anthony hi anthony..
then he suddenly said "CAN YOU SHUT UP!?"...
I was shocked..he never said that to me before..especially in that tone..
..he didnt SHOUT..but he was close to there...he was like hissing to me..but louder..
I actually felt my eyes widening..and i was frozen for a sec..then i said...okay..anthony..

i jst ignored him for the whole day..i foudn out he was angry..not at me..at another friend of ours..
..i knew he didnt mean it and i shouldnt be angry at him..but still....I dont go around putting all my anger on other people when im angry...besides..how should i know he was angry.,..he was sitting down and his face was so low...

..Iono..i didnt feel like talkin to him for the whole week...I didnt say hi to him..i would walk away from him..avoid him in any wayz i can..Im not angry at him..i dotn think i am...im not scared either..I jst want a sorry...jst one word..I dont want to be the one to talk to him liek usual...even if its not my fault..
I usually would jst swallow everything and think " ah well he is angry its okay"  or "ah well it was a joke jst wipe it all away"(even if it really upset me).

These days I've been arguing...kinda with Allan
I dont understand him..
I dont know..
he jst..he underestimates me..he thinks im a immature girl who doesnt know nothing and he is better smarter than me..

for example..
on wednesday...I told him ive been working hard in multi nowadays..coz for the assignment and stuff..and that i've been using my lunch and recess time to do my work..
and straight away he went uh yea sure sure right.
And i said I did!
and he jst said no you dont. I heard you guys jst bludge (dont do work and have fun) and muck around and stuff.
and i said I do now!
and then cutting me off he said yes sure sure wateva.
I was upset.

I ignored him for a few mins then asked..who told u that we were bludging
and then he said me

i was upset.
If i always lied and i was a big fat liar all the time, i wouldnt be mad that he didnt trust me, i'd think its reasonable.But i barely lie to anyone and he is my friend! how can he not trust me! I cant believe he thinks i would lie about these stuffs especially little things liek this!
IF it was for a joke it would only take me a few mins to spill the beans! not like him, he would play the jokes all the way >_<

I was upset so i ignored him for nearly the rest of the day..but he didnt realise...or mayb he did..he should..coz i dont talk much when im upset..iono

Then i was talking to him about there was a boy and hie brother who were locked in the basement, sexually assaulted by his family (including mum) and his family invited their relatives over, skinned him and ate him. Yes, its gross. = =

Then he said They're prolly lying
then i said no but i saw it in the newspaper.and he said..oh really? scary.

When we have our conversations..nearly every single conversation we would end up having a little argument.
I think he has always been putting me down liek this..
its jst..id always let him get away with it...coz i jst cant be botherd arguing with him, i knew i would lose and he wont believe me anywayz...
But I think i wana show him i dont need him. i can be independent. im not one who is dumb or something, im jst the same as him.

SO these days ive regularly been ignoring him, avoiding/ignoring anthony...
I've been feeling lonely when i avoid/ignore them..but i would stick with my other friends.
Last time in english Allan pulled his table to sit next to anthony and leslie (another friend of ours) then told me to pull next to them so we can talk together.

I jst sat there.I reallyt didnt want to move next to them.Not because i didnt like them, because I knew that my voice wont be heard.They wouldnt listen. Just like always.
So i moved next to my other friends. Im not really close with them, but close enough.  We hang in the same spot, and always talk to each other. I rather sit next to them, than with those guys. At least these guys would stop to listen to me and stop
underestimating me.

This monday was suppose to be fun. I had bowling. I was realy excited. its the best day of the week.
We were bowling and i point to Mr Debrincat ( a science teacher who was supervising us with another teacher) while he was about to bowl. I told Allan and Dejan( another friend) that I saw debrincat bowled last time and it was soo cool, he got a strike and he bowled really fast. He was really good. I told them to watch. They looked and instead the ball went thru the gutter and didnt hit anything.
I told them, aw..he was good last time.
and one of them (pretty sure it was allan) said ye so good at getting it into the gutter.
Dejan jst chuckled.
I was upset.
They said other stuff..i forgot..but its the usual sarcastic stuff..
They said it in a way that i lied to them, and wat i said was what i made up or something liek that.
I told them that and allan went no we werent! and kept on denying it.he said he didnt mean it in that way.
I jst said i know i know. But cant u guys say it in another way? cant u guys look at it differently like  more positive?!
like for example " aww..maybe be fluked it last time " or "mayb he accidently miss" or something?
and dejan came and said ye.-
then allan said something to cut of dejan
and dejan said shes right tho shes right.

I ignored allan for mins..

i hated him..He always talks like that...he always say it liek th at..He says it to others sometimes..jst sometimes..but usually to me.
Maybe its cause i dotn get angry tat easily..or i jst get angry for a lil while then im all happy again..He makes me feel so dam dumb, like im jst a little coward and someone that cant protect herself.

ITs irritating me!

--------------------------------------------
Another issue today was serena...
we had to do hw for comemrce and i went on the net to tell her that last night.
She said she knew and was doing it. We had to gather insurance companies logos/trademarks or watevas relating to them and then we make out own lil cube, decorate it and hang it in our commerce room.
I did more than 6 jst incase. And i had two logos of a company called Allianz. One is pixelated and was ugly and the other one was smooth and good quality.
Today in class Serena went I only got one (right after our teacher said we are gonna use them to decoreate a cube). I knew she was gonna ask me for one logo straight after that. And i was thinking if she was gona ask im gonna give her the pixelated one.
She really did ask.
She poitned to the good quality Allianz logo. I started being stressed and scareed. She kept asking me while i was thinkign so i was like we'll see  until when we actualy do it later. And she said okay.
I was full on stressful thinkin bout...should i give her the good lookign one or pixelated one..
But i wanted the good lookikng one..
But usually id jst give them wateva they want even if its something i want/like ..
Then i stopped and thought bout waht serena would do if she was me.
She would definitely give me the pixelated one.
So..i took a risk, snip the pixelated one and gave it to her..she went aww u gave me the ugly one..ah well! i will take it !
lol it was a relief to find out she didnt mind. I was so scared.

One even that actually made me rmemember that she will most likely give out the ugly one was last time we were at the canteen.
We were lining up, she was infront of me, suddenly she swapped spots withme o.o
i wAs slow, i was like what what? why u swap spots for ? o.o
and she didnt say anything
I looked around to see wats wrong and i saw a bee right in front of me. It was on the kids bag who was really close to me and infront of me.  I poitned out there was a bee and serena jst laughed to cover up her "guiltiness"and i said = = thats nice u give the bad stuff to ur friends and she jst continued laughing = =
I was scared..but i tried to stop panickin and careful not to bug the bee..coz i know if i bother it it will sting u. So i told the boy there was a bee on his bag, he quickly smashed his bag onto the ground, dropping the bee on the floor. It was close to us..it was  hurt. I felt sorry for it. but i was scared. i tried to get as far away as i can. ..

thats the end of my journal entry for today..
You should get how i felt like this week now eh..
I'm trying to grow up...=]
:D I MANAGED TO NOT THINK BOUT GOING TO THE CANTEEN THE WHOLE WEEK EVEN THOUGHT EVERYONE AROUND ME HAD YUMMY FOOD! YAAAAAY i saved money ^^ hehe

hmm these days have been weird apart from the regular thoughts about me and matt
i have other thoughts now..
well its still bout matt
but its different

i dont know..
i told my mum once..asked her like two months ago

i told her i had a friend..and her bf dumped her coz she wasnt christian..etc

my mum said he jst used that as an excuse..and that she gave me many points of why she thinks he deffinately is

like..if he really was concerned bout his religion..or belief wouldnt he have checked if that girl was christian or not than to start a relationship then end it in the middle
and stuff..

...i coouldnt find another way to think shes not right..

cept..i dont know..
..
i want to get the truth out of this..
cept..i know i have the right to know..but im scared..if i asked matt...we might cause a drama..argument....
and then we might not be friends..or he would be angry at me....BUT HEY WHY SHOULD I CARE!?
...
but ye...iono i really want to know..
i dont want to always think he has his own reasons and i should forgive him and continue being nice to him when he isnt wat i think he is..

i dont know if i should confront him..
i prolly wont be sad..but id prolly hate him


aaaaaaaahhhh
seriously
now that ive thought bout it it took me nearly a year to actually ...be able to talk to matthew without feeling sad
and the first time was like wat..the last time we talked?
lol
i jst figured it out then

but regularly id think bout why he dumped me etc...my mind jst go thru all those dam stuff out of no where and i jst have to lock them all out = =

every single time..id say to myself..dont be silly..its over its okay u dont like him no more relax stop thinking bout stupid sad stuff dont let it ruin where you are now. you worked so hard to get here..

last month or something..last few weeks comp jst suddenly wouldnt turn on for me, keeps sayin disk read error or somethin so bro had to format my comp, took ages for him to install everythig back in, not everything is in here yet, but jst the basics i need lol

anywayz lol last friday i stayed up the whole night doing a powerpoint presentation assignment for english.

Then had 30mins of sleep, woke, tried to eat and then scool.

= = by saying "tried to eat"
i actually woke up, close to vomiting and iono even while i was doing my work. throat was dry lol didnt drink while doing my work so tats why i ended up like that.anywayz had half a banana (tried to eat "breaky") and couldnt finish it, chucked it, didnt hav time to eat recess and lunch either.

so basically i lost my appetite for food at the end of the day.

I stuffed up my dam presentation for my assignment.
I had to present it to the lowest eng class in my grade and my class. and uggh i cant believe it = = tat stupid habit came again

i got up
tried to say what i have to say
i know wat i hav to say, i jst needed to go with the flow as i present my assignment.
but i ended up studdering..i think its studdering..
anywayz i was like...and t-t-two t-t-techniques used ..that were evident..found..
XD and then after in the middle of presenting the 3rd slide (we had to do 10 slides and then jst present 5 slides)or something bell went, and teacher was liek thank u bla bla bla and then ye
and i was liek omg i stuffed it up badly
and my classmate was liek to me breaaaaaaaaathhheeee calm doowwn

haha XD
omg i hate it i cant get over it lol

then i had eng writing competition which i prolly did bad in due to lack of sleep and food
XD

then went home
started crying to mum several times coz i did so bad for my exams,

cant believe it = =
mum said its okay jst try harder next semester.,..ye..

jst cant believe i did so bad..and i STUDIED!!!!!!!!
= = dont know wats wrong with my brain

but ye


thought i could try and forget this and jst tell myself its okay jst try harder next time
then i had maths tuition, teacher asked me bout my maths exam...then asked why i did so bad..bla bla bla...and ye..i started crying again - -"


---------------

hehehe bro jst bought erm WIIFIT!!!
T.T stupid thing says im over weight T.T boohoo
lol for my age lol
XD

when my mum first tried it it was hilarious
my mum is like 51 years old
and then the wii said her body age is 62 XD
haha
well ye now shes 38

i was like 14..then 18..then 32 (i think it was coz im tired tat time) And then back to 14 tada! haha

its fun tho th is game
invited my cousin over to play wii with me this friday XD

xD crap got my half yearly exams coming up T.T
geo first tomorrow crap crap crap = =
gotta stuuddy
wish me luck T.T
i dont hav a good feeling bout this coz i dont really know wats in the exam

----
today i was in the middle of maths class
my friend allan was absent
we are closer than other friends so ye
anywayz
out of no where
my teacher asks me
is allan your boyfriend?
and i was like " NO!!"
XD
i was leaning over the table lmao
when he asked i was thinking " wth?!O.o"
XD
i never thought someone wouild ask especialyl a teacher!
its been soo so long since someone ask or thought that me and allan were going out lmao
XD funny coz we told everyone we werent everytime they asked us which was HEAPS of times = =
but ye i ended up going "haha..i cant believe he asked me that that was hilarious!"XD
haha serously haha lmao funny anywayz ye=]

....a moment ago..when i was still talking to cairi..
...i mentioned how..iono..

...how i would walk down streets...or anywhere..and see couples all the time..
...and even tho it was an online relationship at that time..and even tho i was desperate for matt to come over to visit me..
...i jst took up might and smiled at the couples i pass by..
...coz i know..
..well i thought..
..that i was the luckiest in the world..coz i had the nicest guy in the world..

....he seemed liek he was the nicest....
.....but..now whenever i see couples...
....i hastily turn my eyes into another direction..or my head..

...........and ...if i can erase him..i will..
...i guesss he was the first one i actually loved
..not like and childish crush..

....coz..whenever im bored..
....id start thinkin botu funny stuff we did..
..when ever i stand in front of themirror..
id try to pose and smile thinking i would take more photos for him..
...and whenever i see couples down the street..even tho i turn my head..
....id always think of matt...and his new gf...

...everytime this happen..
...id frown...id feel angry with myself..and id feel so silly..
...bout why i still do this...and continue to try harder..to get out of this habit...but it isnt working..


....it doenst matter where i am...or with who..
..matt always appear in my mind out of the blue..

......i hav a pin in me..
...and i cant get it out..

no one can..
...theres only one way tat i can get it out..
....

...i feel so sad...
....is there a way out of this misery..
....i want tocry...i feel so empty...
..so lonely..
...i dont know why i dont express myself...esp to matt..
...everytime he ask if im oka..id say im fine..
...but im not..
...i never will be..itd take many more years...prolly.......
-----------------------------------------------------------------

My Immortal - Evanescence
 I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

i finally cried..a few times..yay..

...mm..
...feel grumpy and sad and empty all these days..

i rather cry everynight like how i used to..than to feel like this..
i feel so empty and heavy,..and so sad...
i want to cry..but i can barely cry..can only shed a few tears...
...i cant write anymore..cant express myself..

...i feel so dead

..mm..
it feels good to cry
doesnt it
lol
i want to cry
but all i could get out were a few drops of tears
i feel empty and heavy inside again
i feel liek i cant do nothing bout my current state

i cannot write anymore

..its too late now..
...i really think..
ive developed a habit
..of closing it all in..

..but does it matter now
if i cry
if i scream
how i feel

no one would feel sorry for me
no one can help me
only i can help myself
..who would listen..
and what would it change..
..nothing would be changed
how i am today..

ive tried for so long
..and i do think im improving..heaps
compared to before..

but now i hav a low self esteem..
no confidence..


i hate myself sometimes..
i hate this world sometimes..no..i hate the state im in

--------------------------------

You no longer look at me
in the eyes

you lied
i would point at you and say

You brought me
to this land
of hopes and dreams

Pulled me into a phase
where we would get married..
I would do the dishes..and you would cook..
and the number of kids we will have was made..

Those were the fun times..
Those were the sweetness about love..

And i should've known
that karma have turned back and bit me
where it hurts most

just when i turned back
you were gone
the note you left for me
caused my tears
to wash down paintings
that hung over my dreams..
and resulted me..in a sour position

I've waited
under clumps of bitter clouds
and sat in the pouring rain

Soon I've rusted and embedded myself in these clouds.

Finally
once in while
you would come back and visit.
somedays you would find me
some you will not

But i've always been here..
you just haven't looked.

well today i got my second dose for Cervical Cancer = =
another one to go and it strikes in october.

= = at first we were called down
i wasnt scared the whole day
until we were waitin for the teacher to mark our name off and give us our little record sheet for the nurses to stamp
and when i got it
i was like to my friends..okay im gonna go die now lol

i was soo scared
kept picturing the needle jst stabbed into me >.<
tats the only thing scary
and then the lil pain after that isnt much
but the pain during the needle and when the needle gets in argghhhh...= = hurts liek hell

lol
i was like uhh ohhh >.< And i kept trying to move away lmao
and the nurse said to me u gotta stop moving lol and held onto my shirt XD and i was closing my eyes and gripping onto the table cloth
lol..but ye it hurtes so much = = for the first 2/3 mins = =
ugggh

lol
scary dose 3 in another 5 months T.T

today i went english tuition first thing in the morning around 9 am at my maths tuition teachers place =S
i was 10 mins early or soenthin so i went out to play with a dog that they kept. And it was a pretty grown up dog, and mayb a cross breed between german shepherd and something else
I was scared at first
iplayed with it before
jst once
but iw as scared it might not remember me so i had my hands clamped aroudn my ears
i hate it when dogs bark.
it scares the hell out of me XD even tho i know its gonna bark

anywayz i walked closer and clsoer to it then stuck one of my hand out
it sniffed it
knew who iw as
secs later it didnt bite me so i went over and pat it
scratched it back etc.
Its locked behind a wooden door and its all bored and stuff

Then it started fidgeting and then its snout kept pointing in a corner of a door. I looked at it and then i realised that there was a lock there. He want me to let him out
lol it suprised me that he was this smart and communicates pretty good.
I wantd to let him out.
But i couldnt
BEcause it wasnt my place, and he wasnt my dog. All i could do was try make him happy and play with him and stuff
there wasnt any water placed in side with him or food
i was scared he would be sick
then i started crying
lol i quickly wiped my tears incase anyone saw
then i patted his nose
it was still wet i heard that if the nose is still wet that means it is healthy.
then i realised some of its fresh poo all over the grassy area near where i was standing = =
then i thought mayb they do let him out and jst temporarily kept him in here coz usually at this time students coem out and play basketball. I wanted to get him something to play with or drink or soemthin so i went to look around but i couldnt find anything and then it was time to go in before i had a chance to say bye to the doggie.

it was funny
it wasnt the first time i met an animal that i dont know or havent met much and i cried for it.
Last time i saw a lil husky pup with really red eyes and he was locked behind a small cage in a pet store
i was trying to no cry for it but i couldnt hold it and endded up crying but i hid it so no one knew bout it
lol

i told mum and mum said im so weak how can i be a vet one day
xD but i told her i will get used to it some how! and will stop crying!.,.hopefully